10/27/2017 10:12:00 pm

teardrops on windows


rainy nights
tear-glazed car windows
blurred bulbs





10/26/2017 09:58:00 pm

9/26/2017 08:52:00 pm

keep on moving



in the flurry of end of year papers
it's supposed to be the most stressful period but
i'm slacking so much and it feels even more like a holiday
compared to normal school days
is it because i have become numb and immune to the stress
and not care any more?
or can i say that i have learnt to take things leisurely and not
let anything disturb my inner peace?

Anyway, looking forward to post-exam days!

8/26/2017 11:04:00 am

of course I want to sleep early

Would anyone be crazy enough to want to stay up, bleary-eyed, struggling to move the cranks of their brains, fighting to force the sinking eyelids from fully closing? To resist the sweet temptation of sleep, just to complete something they have to finish doing?

Of course I want to go to bed earlier. How many times have I had the urge to just impulsively throw whatever I was working on down and just call it a day. How I wish I could do that.

But thanks to my inner sense of duty and responsibility fighting dominance (and winning) against my personal welfare, that is just not possible. I can't just put down my books and go to sleep, just like that. No matter how many times the thought of giving up flew past my head, I just can't get myself to do it.

It may be useful sometimes but this is an ultimately unfortunate characteristic of mine that becomes the bane of my (lack of) sleep problems. The strong sense of duty and responsibility for things I find important, not letting it go until I get it done.

Even if for some reason I had to drop my work uncompleted, I won't be able to sleep well. My brain turns into hyperactive mode, suddenly being ultra-concerned about the uncompleted tasks and imagining the possible scenarios of the consequences of not completing said work.

This, paired with a habit of unproductivity and needing some break after getting home from school, is the reason for my lack of sleep since starting school.

7/10/2017 09:51:00 pm

3am


Hey.

It's almost 3am.

Where are you?

We've not had our 3am talks for a long, long time.

I stay up to wait every night, you know? At our usual spot.

But you never appear.

I've seen many night skies I wished you were to enjoy with me.
Snowflakes in the clear, cold night. Millions of twinkling nights on a warm summer night. The mild scent of night-blooming flowers in the spring evening. And the autumn nights filled with crisp leaves on the ground at my feet.

Imagine you beside me, here with me.

I think of the talks we would have, all the jokes and horrible puns we would make, all the songs we'd hum together.

When I had setbacks, I'd imagine the advice you would give me. When I was emotionally down, I'd feel your arms around my shoulders. When I had a success in the day, I'd imagine excitedly telling you and you'd already have brought drinks to celebrate because you already knew earlier.

Sometimes I come here forgetting to bring a jacket, because the evenings are so warm and stuffy it's so easy to forget the 3ams are cold even in summer, and then you weren't here to say "stupid" and put your extra jacket on me because you already forseen that I wouldn't remember.

Too many times because of that, and also due to lack of sleep, I fall ill and miss a few days of going there. Maybe I missed meeting you at our usual spot at 3am. Perhaps on the nights that you did wait there for me, I was at home, sick. Our telepathy is horrible now, isn't it.

I have never told a single soul of our spot, nor how important 3am is to me. But I really do miss you. I msis our conversations, you know?

Where are you? I'm still waiting. When you come back, you'll see the magnificent stars and- ooh, if you're lucky, you might catch a shooting star, like just now. I made a wish on it. It's for us to resume our 3am conversations, because that is what keeps me going.

See you tomorrow, at the edge of night and day, early morning late at night, at 3am.